let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
