I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
