He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
