Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Randomize
