Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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