please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
