Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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