Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
