I can tuck mytits in my pants
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
