Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
