Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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