Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
