Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
