Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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