On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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