I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
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How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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