I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
