they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
