if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Drake has all the answers
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
