My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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