Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
All the doctor said was why
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
