Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize