dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
