Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
