My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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