No stitches, just platelets and will power
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
