Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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