I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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