I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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