cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
