It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
