I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
