I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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