dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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