fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
