the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
