he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
