You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
