I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
