Sponge bath it is.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
