Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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