They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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