Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
