Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
