She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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