before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
