I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
