True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
