Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
