I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
We need to feng shui this bitch.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
