i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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