I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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