I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
