i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
